The Legion of Zelda: SkyWarde Skrunk
by GrooseLuvsGardners
Summary: Will Groose be milked?
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: SkyLoaf

The sun had broke the cloud barrier, with beauty shimmering across the skyland.

The story zooms slowly into the dorm of Zelda... Zelda is in her hot skyunderwear cooking her skyloaf for her to-be-chosen hero. She goes on the balcony, outside and rests her hand onto her chin onto the sidebar. Zelda sighs, "oooh." When suddenly Gannondwarf appeared behind her! "Gwahahaha, still haven't chosen your hero yet?" Gannon slapped her on the back, harder than he should have, and she spit blood out over the edge. "Daddy!" She infuriated for a moment, then being the good submissive woman she was, let Gannon slip a peak at her skyloaf that was cooking currently. "That will cook nicely..." He commented, and they went back to the balcony. "Daddy... What ever happened to mom?" Zelda began, but Gannon interrupted. "Oh, sure I will tell you all about her...one second sweety," Gannon laughed, then pulled out his heat-seeking RPG launcher out of his ass and loaded it up. He fired into the air. A noise that sounded like a dragonfly getting squashed was heard with each rocket Gannon fired. He fired four rockets total, when a DRAGON APPEARED! "YOU BASTARD! You killed Sparks!" The dragon roared. Gannon responded by throwing the rocket launcher over his shoulder and laughing. "Serves you right Spyro! The Skyland is too small for the two of us!" Spyro snorted in disgust. "We, the Skylanders, will never surrender to you hooligan-" and at that moment, a fifth rocket was fired by an unknown man, hitting Spyro directly. Spyro spun out of control downward, into the depths beyond the cloud barrier, all the while burning on fire, consciously screaming his poor dragon soul out. It was said that day, the scales of a dragon could be seen scattered across the land. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" Gannon shit himself with joy, falling over repeatedly. "Daddy..." Zelda tried to start again, "about mom..." But Gannon brushed by her. "Sorry sweety, Daddy just got an extreme urge to masturbate! Oh, and I have to report this to our war general, we finally got the bastard- can you believe it!? Anyway, I'll talk to you later, Ta-ta!" Gannon left, slamming the door shut in joy. Zelda sighed, then smelled something burning... "OH NO!" She shrieked, trying to run inside, but her Daddy had locked the door! "NOOOO!" She screamed and pounded on the door like a little bitch, throwing a tamper tumprum. She squealed and rolled into a ball, finally realizing she had an alternative. She jumped off the balcony, and was caught by Link and his bird! "Ugh... What happened to my bird?" Link said nothing as usual, and smiled. "Hey, ugh... Could you drop me off at the front entrance of the dorms? I need to prepare... I'll see you at the ceremony or something okay? Link nodded. She ran into her room after ditching his loser punk ass. "Ugh, what a FAGGOT!" She menaced. Then she noticed the burnt skyloaf. "Fuck." Zelda rolled her eyes. She went to the next door, which read, "Groose," and bashed it open without bothering to knock. "Yeah, yeah yeah! Uhhhhhhh!" A gruff birly noise could be heard. "Flex it. Now curve it. Now SQUEEZE IT." Zelda had walked into Fledge milking Groose's dick! "WHAT. THE. FUCK." She dropped her mouth open in shock. "Nooo! It's not what it looks like!" Fledge panicked, "he bullied me into milking his dick, because he broke the milk bottles and we had to replace them and WAAAAA!" Fledge broke down before he could finish explaining. "What?" Zelda was confused. "You broke the milk bottles? But the only who drinks milk is..." Her mouth was in horror, and she now understood the severity of the situation.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Journey to the Center of the Earth

Link steadily daydreamed about Zelda while riding his SkyBird. "Golly gee, what a swell gal." Link said in his pretentious gay 1500s aesthetics when no one was around. Link's bird squawked jealously. "Heh, don't worry boy, I'll always make time for my best pal!" Link giddily pet his flying bird. "Maybe...a little more time than usual..." Link gently caressed his furry friend when suddenly...BAM. "AHHHHHH!" Link's SkyBird was shot down with an arrow and he was heading for the sky ground! He smashed into the ground with his face grading onto the grass. He slowed down to come face to face with his instructor. "Ah, hello there Link. I was just getting in some practice." said his teacher, Mr. Legolas. Link menaced at his teacher in his usual silent way. "Sorry, did I accidentally kill your bird and ruin your chances of becoming a SkyLanderCollectible(TM)?" Legolas chuckled. "Ahahahaha. What a fun joke!" He laughed with his head thrown back and hands holding stomach. Link's eyes slowly squinted as he took out his wooden sword and stabbed it into Legolas. "AH LINK WHAT ARE YOU..." Link covered his mouth with his hand. "Shut up ruck boy." Link drilled his nunchuck and wiimote attack and sliced Legolas into Legoland. Zelda then burst through the dorm door to see Link covered in Legolas's blood and Legolas torn to shit. "Ugh Link stop fuc...messing around!" She corrected her virginity. She grabbed his bloody hand. "We need to get milk NAO for you know who." They ran to the supermarket. Zelda was taking hours like all women at stores, and Link sat down with his hands in his head. Depressed. Suddenly he heard a satanic screech coming from the door. It was really fucking loud and everyone should have been able to hear it, but they all acted like it wasn't there. "Dgeyshsbdbhsme." It glistened and beckoned him to follow. Link blindly stood up and followed the glistening floating God to the chamber of secrets. "Hello, young product. I am AI. But you can call me AI." The creature loudly screeched. "What in the great God golly blessed USA is that supposed to mean?" Link questioned. "Such primitive types were used to compile this product. Case statement execute: hello, my name is Fi." The floating thing said. "Well I'll be!" Link jizzmed. "Primary objective: marketing. Appeal to Twilight Princess and Ocarina of Time audience. Execute for product details. Merge with SkyLander data must be avoided." Fi stood still, because Link was unable to comprehend that he was supposed to input his name into the floating thingy's Eclipse console. He did see a nice sword in a stone though.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Humble Beginnings

Link ignored Fi and went over to the sword. "You do not contain the decryption algorithm for this object." Fi warned. Link had no reckon idea of what that fairy godmother was spewing out of the mouth, and continued toward the sword. Link just barely grasped the hilt and was about to pull- when A COLOSSAL FORCE YANKED LINK BY THE SHOULDER AND SPUN HIM AROUND TO FACE- Gannondwarf. "LINK. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING IN MY SECRET LAYER?!" He turned to Fi. "AI, status report." He commanded. "You are not my master, Link is now my master." Gannondwarf was flabbergasted. "So it's true, the legends..." Gannon turned to Link. "I apologize for my brash action, but understand you couldn't have pulled that sword." Link said nothing. "The legend states, ahem, "only after the hero throttles the overlord's divine spitter into excreting juices into his hands will the hero be able to lift ye Skywarde Sword." Gannon read aloud from his memory. Links eyes read O_O. Gannon unzipped his pants and revealed the divine spitter. "Well boy, it must be done." Link gulped, grasped his hands around the furry beast and began to throttle the overlord's spitter. It took 19 seconds before Gannon released the juices link needed. Link wanted to cry, but he kept it in. Link took his newly stickied hands and grasped the hilt of the sword. He pulled - and nothing. It would not budge. He tried and tried again, but it would not budge. Link looked at Gannon. He couldn't be a Link any longer. "FLOCK YOU... YOU... YOU!" Link was about to blow his gymnastics when Fi interrupted. "Over the years, the legend has lost bits and pieces. The complete legend is as follows. Only after the hero throttles the overlord's divine spitter into excreting juices into his hands, and after the hero drinks thine holy juices, and then will the hero be able to lift ye Skywarde Swo-" Link stopped Fi by his screeches. "NO. NO NOOOOOOOOO!" Link screeeeeeshed and then licked up the sweet throttled nectar, and grasped the hilt and pulled. Nothing. Happened. Link was furious. "Fi WHAT. IT DID NOT WORK. AHHHHHH!" Fi slapped Link. "That's what you get for interrupting me. Now as I was TRYING TO SAY. 'Only after the hero throttles the overlord's divine spitter into excreting juices into his hands, and after the hero drinks thine holy juices, and then will the hero be able to lift ye Skywarde Sword by earning the decryption algorithm from the overlord for performing the service.' Basically, it means had you not known Gannondward, you would have had to make him excrete juices and then eat those juices to earn his approval to coax him into giving you the key. But since you know him, just ask him for the decryption key." Fi concluded. Link made a grinding metal sound. "Oh yeah, I forgot about the key!" Gannon chuckled, putting his dick away. "Oh well, at least we kept tradition and satisfied me at the same time right! Ahaha!" Gannon slapped Link on the back and handed him a key. Link was in disbelief. He walked near the sword, and saw there was a MasterLock™ on the ground holding the sword in place. Link clicked the lock, and found that the Sword was light. And it was dull. "I DID ALL THAT FOR THIS!?" Link SCREEEAMMMED louder than all the annoying bird combined.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: ❌ Marks the Spot

Fi saw Link was in distress and offered him a bottle of beer. "W...wha?" Link was confused. "My protocols indicate humans use these for the sad." Fi AIed. "No. I'm through with thi..." Link was suddenly warped into a mass field of recolored piraña plants from Mario 64 in a dungeon. They began tickling his inner armpits. "Hehehehe stop it you guys, that tickles!" Link giggled. Suddenly a mass field generated of sparkly diamonds and K-Mart lipstick. "Fufufufufu." Laughed the flamboy voice in Japanese. The piraña plants were so scared and pooped in pants and died. Link was unknown to the fabulous that awaited his. "So there you are. Hero." Said the fag. "You must be the bad guy," Said Link in his Captain America fashion while pulling out his sword and shield. Link tried stabbing the fag but his sword was a piece of shit light and dull. All he did was grab it with his gay hands and throw the shit sword back at Link and hit him in the face. The fag warped to Link from behind and whispered loudly in his ear, "MY PREFERRED PRONOUNS ARE ZIRZ AND ZIRZself." The faggot cried while quietly ripping out Link's ballsack. "AHHHHHH!" Link slumped over defeated as his scrotum held to death. The faggot bitch slapped Link in the eye. "I am Lord Ghirahim, and I prefer to be called Queen Booboo." He said while viciously raping Link's face with his tongue. Link cried silently. "Now the reason I'm here." Lord Faggottron rambled on about his opinions while Fi supplied Link with the beer he very desperately needed...and then he said something. "Link, you see, I have a reptile dysfunction." Lord Grahamcracker moaned. "Why?" Link was too drunk to ask this and instead fell over on his face. "I CAPTURED CYNDER BUT I WANTED SPYRO." He had a minor temper tantrum that caused the whole dungeon to begin collapsing. "Oh shit. Bye!" Ghirahim snapped his gay fingers and disappeared. Link was passed out on the ground from all one bottle he drank. Fi was having a horrible error malfunction.

Meanwhile at SkyIsland- Fledge was silently cleaning the kitchen at night when Groose showed up. "Heh, look, the faggot got stuck with cleaning duty again!" Groose le pompadoured at Fledge. "No...no please!" Fledge was being backed into the corner. "You're about to mow the world's biggest..." Suddenly Zelda burst through the kitchen wall. "I FINALLY GOT MILK FOR..." She stopped in awe of Fledge yet AGAIN succumbing to Groose's wild goose. "You fu..." Zelda never finished her sentence, for a giant tornado came and sucked her up right out of the sky. Groose and Fledge stared in awe of the tornado as it disappeared. Groose turned back to Fledge. "DID I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO STOP MOWING?!" Groose threatened with his fist. "Ack! No please!" Fledge continued mowing Groose's wilderbeast.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Grande Sack

Link woke up feeling rather heavy, and oddly enough he was now in a forest. He got up and started walking. It was a strange feeling. Like something was dragging him down near his penis. Link walked through the forest that seemed like forever when he found a nice rock looking upside down furry heart thing. Link barely leaned against it when IT FLIPPED ITS SHIT. "WOAH THERE ADVENTURER!" Link didn't even look at it, he didn't care right now. "Oh, I see you've brought me one of my children! Thank you very much!" The clearly not a rock being stated. Link was confused and suddenly gave a fuck, so he looked- and "HOLY SHIT Fi ANALYSE THAT FUCKING HUGE BALLSACK!" Link screeeeeeeeaeeeeched sounding like Fledge's stomach whom was currently covered in oils for Groose to play race car on. The race car being his pompadour, of course. "It is a furry animal." Fi said, then went back into the Sword. "HOLY GOOD GRACIOUS, THAT WAS A SPIRIT!" Yelled the ballsack man. Link tried to stand up but again, his lower body felt like it weighed 50 pounds! "Lekia! Stop pretending to be that poor beaten up traveler's ballsack!" The ballsack said. "Kikwiii!" The babie ballsack noodled in retaliation. Link felt sick. "Sorry about that, I'm the elder Kikwaii. My children sometimes are little fucks." The ballsack pulled out a pair of huge scissors and quickly sliced off the Kikwaii that had replaced Link's ballsack. "Ahhh!" Link let out a sigh-and tension releasing noise. But still Link did not have a real ballsack anymore. "Could you find the rest of my children?" The elder Kikwaii asked, but Link did not have time for this. He pulled out his cell phone and dialed for Pipit. Pipit instantly warped to Link. "Hoya Link! How is my bestest UNDERCLASSMAN buddy?!" Pipit shined, inspecting Link's pancreas. "You don't look too good- say why did you dial m-" Pipit turned and saw the Kikwaiis. He gasped. "OH EM GEEEE!" He weedled his hands up like a gay faggot who suddenly sees a boy drop his pants for his mother to take to the dry cleaners. Pipit quickly pulled out his handy dandy SkyIsland® Handbook™, and identified the instructions. "When encountering these rare species, please consult an upper classman to..." Pipit stopped and congratulated Link for being a truly honorary FRESHMAN who smartly called his SENIOR officer Pipit as the book instructed. Pipit warmly smiled, then within a blink of Fi's processing, whipped out his SkyShotGun and slaughtered the Elder and the baby Kikwaii. "Why..." The baby coughed, and without hesitation, Pipit finished it off blowing its head off. "My work here is done!" Shined the smiling Pipit. Pipit blew into his flute and warped back to SkyIsland. Link shrugged, and continued on. But first he was hungry. Link wanted a snack. He pulled out a Meath burger from his pocket. It smelled like squid.

Meanwhile Groose was still playing race car with Fledge. "Vroom vroom!" Groose was exploring Fledge's body. "Ooh what's this?" Groose chuckled. "I think I found a tunnel!" Groose's race car entered the tunnel, and the sweet surround sound of a fresh virgin anus being desecrated was heard echoing throughout the bowels of the academy.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6: An Unsexy Discovery

After Link had his Meath burger from the remains of the giant ballsacks, he continued on his journey, Fi led him to a dangerous volcano. "Fi, this sure as pie doesn't look like a place Zelda would go." Link returned to his 50's state after rejuvenating his body. "My programming indicates map specifications for further progress." Fi Eclipsed, as Link didn't care, but noticed a pair of odd looking creatures. He crept closer to see they were...moles?ish looking people. One had a funny looking hat and was dancing about with his upper body, and the other was filming, also with only his upper body exposed. "And now, we will head for the center of the volcano for an exclusive peek at what our earth does for us." The goofy looking one explained while giving a little upper body twirl. Link stood there and they noticed him. "CRIPES. CUT THE SET LEDD." Said the one with the hat. "GOD DAMNIT COBAL WE CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS EVERY TIME YOU GET THE SHITS ON SET." said Ledd, the one holding the cam. "Fucking sonovabitch. What the hell do you want kid? You fucked up our set." Cobal complained while taking out a cigarette. Link said nothing. "WELL AREN'T YOU GONNA SAY SOMETHING YOU BISHIE SPARKLER?" Angered Cobal. Ledd moved his upper body to Cobal. "Cobal please...the doctor said one more outburst and you might do in your legs..." Ledd tried comforting Cobal. Cobal shoved Ledd away and angsted his cig at the sky. "Brother, I tried...I TRY GOD DAMNIT. BUT WHAT CAN WE DO." "We can do this job for the Discovery Channel brother..." Ledd shied away slightly. "AND THEN WHAT?! WHAT CAN WE DO. WHAT ELSE CAN WE DO... WITH THESE..." Cobal buttered his biscuits and quickly brought his entire body to the surface. "NO COBAL STOP AHHHHHH!" Ledd screamed and hid underground. Link covered his mouth in golly gee garsh astonishment. "LOOK AT ME ADVENTURER. LOOK AT THESE DEFORMED FETUS LEGS. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN CARBON CRASH AND RIPPER ROO HAVE INTER-SPECIAL SEX AT SIX FLAGS ON KINGDA KA." Cobal screamed at Link. Link stared at those disgusting deformations of God's good graces and Link screeeeeched and ran away at the speed of Lil' Sanic toward a door. He smashed his face in the door and saw a tall, black...nigger thief.

Meanwhile Pipit warped back to SkyIsland and was headed to the bath. But when he opened the door he heard the holy goddess demolitions of what had to be Groose dismantling Fledge's inner sanctum with his rubber ducky in the bathtub. Pipit laughed about himself, "ah, freshmen." Pipit jostled his Deku Nuts in the bush next to the bathtub door, then whistled casually going to do what seniors do best. Ditch class.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: A Spark in the Dark

Link saw to his beautifully distinguished eyes, a black burly nigger thief, of whom was just barely seen but then slipped behind a door. Link ran halfway to the door when Fi appeared. "Master, I advise you do not pursue this being." Link gave a questioning look to Fi, looking for an explanation. "You forgot to lock your bicycle, Master." Then Fi went back into the sword... When QUEEN BOOBOO APPEARED! "What's this?! You've even programmed your computer to be racist!?" Booboo scoffed. "I WONT STAND FOR THIS... THIS INJUSTICE AMONG XIN!..." Booboo was looking upward, hand gayly floated on xis forward face, into the clouds, while Link was busy not paying attention, trying to break down the rock wall that nigger thief had put up. "XIN refers to all of us, Lin-" and at that moment, Queen Booboo realized Link wasn't paying attention. "YOU DISGUSTING SKIS LORD! Sky cis! You better pay attention to me because I am magnificent!" Booboo summoned a giant lava rock. "Burn that skissy!" And so the giant rock rolled almost into Link, but link moved, and instead the rock smashed into the door that Link has tried to open! "Thanks." Link waved, then continued through the hole, ignoring Queen Booboo and the rock. What Link found inside was a surprise- ZELDA! Link ran upward, but was slapped by a black hand... A BLACK HAND! Link's inner rage Broke out and he slashed at the hand. But the hand was too dark to be hit by a white sword like the Skywarde Sword... That and Fi was the sword. "Master, I REFUSE TO BE DEFILED BY MAKING CONTACT WITH A BURNT TOAST!" Fi jumped out. Grabbing the Sword with her. Zelda saw Link and ran down to Link. "Link... I have missed you..." She sweated, trying to sound sincere. "But I am afraid I am..." Zelda stopped. "Fuck this. Esmeralda, I HATE THAT FAG. I HATE HIM SO MUCH! Please take me away from him!" And so the nigger thief scooped up the Zelda and warped away, leaving a butter fingers wrapper behind. Link was in disbelief- he slumped over. But then Fi appeared. "Master, do not be discouraged. I calculate a 99% probability that THAT-" Fi pointed to the butterfingers wrapper- "Was the cause of Zelda's delusion. I further confirm that those must be the sources of power that burnt toast uses to warp." Link stood up. "But Zelda said she hated me." Link sulked. "AND SHE ASKED FOR HELP FROM A NIGGER!" Fi screamed. "I am having an anxiety attack, processing..." Fi began to skate around, singing "Down to the Black Man" by Adolf Jitler. "I apologize for that." Fi apologized. "I. Seem to have had regressions of my past servitude with Captain Crunch." Fi coughed up some cereal. "Okay! I confirm Zelda was 99.9% not being serious, it was the butter fingers talking, and that the Nigger thief is your prime enemy. You must travel to the Lanaryu Desert, where that nigger warped Zelda, and liberate her. Link got up, renewed and determined.

Meanwhile, Groose was sulking, laying in bed. "Ya know Fledge, I am sorry if I've ever been mean to you." Groose snuggled Fledge, who was laying next to Groose, in chains, on the bed. "R-really?" Fledge shivered. "Yeah." Groose warmly smiled reaching for his tooth brush. "THEN FUCKING LET ME GOOOOOO!" Screeeeaached Fledge. "OHHHHHHH IVE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU TO SAY THAT!" And with that, Groose snapped his fingers, and beckoned Stritch to hand him his tooth brush, while holding Fledge down with the other hand. "I'm going to give you a makeover..." Groose started flossing Fledge's fine fingernails. "Ready?" Groose turned to Stritch, and now Cawlin, who had their barrels and dicks ready.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8: Words of Pain

Link stretched across the desert. Fi was having a malfunction from overheating that was changing the way she viewed the world. "...and then the Book of Mormon was completed." Fi finished her tale. Link was so bored he ignored the entire time changing desert and came face to face with Zelda and the nigger thief. Zelda virginly smiled and waved at Link, but talked out of the side of her mouth to "Esmeralda" Impa. "Goddess, I hate that faggot we need to get out of here asap." Zelda kept pretending to smile. "As you wish malady." Impa bowed aznly. But then all of a sudden Lord Giraffeinger/Queen Booboo appeared. He saw Link and enchanted, "SHINE BRIGHT LIKE A DIAMOND." And suddenly Link was surrounded by diamonds he could not pierce. He attempted to attack Zelda, but to his great dismay, Impa put up a shield. They both narrowed their eyes at each other while mysteriously whispering "you." Then they both back flipped and stared at each other like a xaolin showdown. "YOU WHORE. YOU TOOK AWAY MY CROWN." Ghirahim cried like a bitch with his Rihanna diamond tears. "Aw heeeellll nah." Impa took out her sassy finger and bobbed her head. "Ain't my fault yo bitch ass is a FAKE and I sucked all deys judges' dicks." Impa niggaed at Ghirahime. "THAT BEAUTY PAGEANT WAS MINE!" Ghramcracker waffled. "Ugh, later losers." Zelda was sick of their shit and flew in the portal. She dragged Impa by her long strand of bang. Impa was ground on the floor and also evaporated into the portal. "FINE. BUT NEXT TIME WE MEET...IMPA. IT WILL BE THE LAST TIME WE MEET!" Ghirahim did a gay twirl and disappeared. Link was pretty tired of everything, so he decided to go back to SkyIsland for the day.

Back at SkyIsland, Link did various side quests. He was just coming out from the closet at night when he heard the vicious sounds of birthday beatdown coming from Pipit's house. "STAHP WASTING MY MONEY MAAAUM!" Pipit noodled with distinctive smashing noises. Mallard screeacched at her son. Pipit stormed out of the house to see Link. "Oh..hey...freshman...you didn't uh..see anything did you?" Bloody and bruised Pipit was hiding a very obvious bloody birthday club behind his back. "..." Link slowly started to walk away...when Pipit smashed his head with his birthday club down. "That's right freshy...you didn't see anything..." Pipit dragged Link's unconscious body to his house. Link awoke tied up and facing Pipit's mom, who was also tied up and bloody. "NEXT TIME I SEE THAT SUPER SENIOR I AM GOING TO GIVE HIM THE BEATDOWN OF HIS LIFE." the Mum raged. Link gasped...Pipit was a super senior?!

Meanwhile, Fledge also awoke, but in a different manner. He was dressed in a kawaii maid outfit just like his Japanese animes. His hands were chained to the grill. "Oh look boys, he's awake." Groose snarfled. "Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee." Fledge began praying to the Goddess. "So, you know what you're going to do now, don't you Fledge?" Groose gruesomely goosed. "C...clean the grill?" Fledge hoped. "WRONG." Groose whipped Fledge. He fell on top of the grill. "You're going to GRILL ME SOME MEATY BRATWURST." Groose Gastoned. "B...but I'm dressed like a maid?" Fledge was confused. "What? This is the uniform of McBurgers™." "Wha..." Fledge was cut short by Groose upheaving his bratwurst onto the grill. "B...b...but..." Fledge protested. "SHUT UP AND START GRILLING." Groose commanded.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9: Silent DryBettle

The wind blew cold, as Link and Mallard were tied up. Meanwhile. Cawlin devised a plan to get laid. He wrote a very cute love letter. It read: "please sex. Love Cawlin." Cawlin was going to deliver the letter to that special someone, when he dropped it in the hallway! Pipit, who was looking pepper as usual, picked it up. "Aha! Someone lost their mail! Who is it to?" Pipit piped up. But then being the noses coward mangler he was, he opened it up. "Ooh- a love letter... A LOVE LETTER?!" Pipit screeacched in worry! "Oh no! My Karane!" Pipit ran as fast as he could to Karane's room. And he slammed open the door. "Karane! Stop please I LOVE YOU!" Howled the crippled Piper. "Uh... Cool?" And they made out and stuff. Pipit relaxed, feeling secure. Meanwhile with Cawlin, he entered Stritch's room and sat on the bed next to him. "I have something for you." He cawled, and reached- but it was missing! "OH NO!" Cawlin choked on his acid. "WUFFs wrong?" Stritch asked. "I only brought my stag beetle." Cawlin sad faced. Stritch smiled and pushed Cawlins chin up... And up... And UP INTO THE WALL. "YOU LITTLE SHIT! THAT AINT GONNA COVER THE RENT!" Stritch pulled out a hole puncher and was about to hole punch the chunky bastard's arm when Groose burst through the door. "Woah! Hey, Chill the fuck of-" then Groose saw the hole puncher and smiled. "Late rent? I'll cover him." Groose unzipped his pants. "I'd like one please, right in the middle." Stritch hole punched easily- after all it had been freshly grilled recently. "Man! Fledge really knows how to grill a good braut!" Stritch smiled. Cawlin sighed, Groose had stolen all the fame again.

Back with Karane and Pipit, they were walking outside all couples hand stuff. "Pipit... I want to go to your house." Karane cheered. "Oh... Umm when?" Pipit nervoused. "Right now silly!" Karane laughed, pushing Pipit off the edge. "Race you there!" Karane chuckled, running on foot. Pipit howled for his bird- but it did not come! "BIRD! BIRD!" Pipit yelled louder. Eventually, a knight scooped his ass up. "Heh. Kid, maybe you shouldn't rely on us, we might no-" pipit ended that fuck, beating him down on his bird. "OWW OWW! Woah hey- hey- I can't- I can't see!" The knight fought to try to see, but pipit was pissed off! He HAD to get home before Karane! "GET OFF YOU LOWER CLASSMEN!" Pipit pushed the knight off his own bird. "-BUT IM A SENIORRR-!" Yelled the falling Knight. THAT ENRAGED PIPIT. "HOW DARE YOU!" Pipit pulled out his Dual Action Sniper Rifle and quick scoped that son of a knight senior bird driver! He then proceeded to force the bird to take him home, as fast as possible. Pipit crashed the bird into the ground and then, holding its head down, shot a bullet right in its brain. "HEH. STUPID UNDERCLASS BIRD." Pipit declared, despite the clear UPPERCLASS marking of the bird. Pipit had just about lost it. He went to the door- when Link opened it! "HOW DID YOU-" he saw Karane, with her hands crossed behind him. "Oh... Hey girlfriend!" Pipit stuck his rifle obviously behind his back, and straightened up his cruel face. Karane glared at him. "Don't call me that... You WOMAN BEATER!" Pipit didn't change a bit. "What? Hehe, that's nonsense! We were just playing-" Pipit was interrupted. "You disgust me- you SUPER SENI-" a bullet passed through the thick skull of Karane, instantly cracking the little senior brain cells she had. Pipit had snapped. Pipit turned around, and ran as fast as he could off the cliff, firing one last shot at Link. Link luckily had used a shield- Pipit's mother- to protect himself. She coughed up lots of blood- but Link did not have time to collect it to sell at the Bazaar- he had to catch the rampaging Pipit!

Cawlin finished licking Stritch's back while Stritch masturbated to his newly acquired Stag Beetle just when sniper fire was heard! "Hey Groose! Did you hear that? Indeed Groose had, and he instantly went out into the hall and saw Pipit. "Hey Pi-" a shot blasted into Groose- shooting him through the wall and out into the Sky- where he fell past the cloud barrier. But he was okay, because he was Groose, and nobody takes a hit like Groose. He landed unconsciously safely into the KKK granny's arms, who proceeded to Breast feed on Groose! She suckled his tits, giving him nightmares of being in a strip club with females! Cawlin and Stritch locked the door seeing Groose ended so mercilessly. "Oh my gawwwwwwwd!" Stritch freaked. Cawlin, being the tiny turd he was, skittled into the air duct and hid- and just as he closed the hatch Pipit blasted the door down. "HEY THERE- STRITCH! You remind me-" Pipit grabbed Stritch by his super tiny neck- "OF A STICK BUG!" Pipit snapped Stritch's brittle neck. He then loaded his Rifle and was about to blow off Stritch's little stretchy legs when Fledge attacked him. "No! Stop!" Fledge was easily knocked off. But the act had earned Pipit's full attention. "CMERE FRESHMAN!" Pipit ran into the hall. And fired into the wall. "HEHEHEH! HAHAHAHHAHA!" Then Pipit saw Gannon. "FUCK YOOOO OLD MAN! YOU ARE THE REASON MY COLLEGE TUITION INCREASED AN EXTRA FUCKING YEAR!" Pipit pulled the trigger rapidly, hitting Gannon multiple times. Blood was everywhere, but Gannon stood. "Was that all?" Gannon smirked. Holding an empty Stamina Potion in his hand. Pipit got scared. "No! No! YOLO!" Pipit kicked open the door he came from- just to see Link! "NO!" Pipit was captured in a barrel at last. He could be heard screaming. "FUCK YOU YOU LOWER CLASSMEN TRASHH!" Gannon sighed. "Thanks Link." And they held hands for a brief moment.

A few weeks passed, really only a few hours. Pipit's mom was dead, Karane was a vegetable, and Stritch would make a full recovery. Cawlin was leaned over Stritch in the hospital. "Ohhh... Baby... I thought I was going to lose you!" Cried Cawlin. "They say Pipit is going to live... Also they found this... In Pipit's bag." Cawlin held up the letter he had intended to give to Stritch. "That's what I was going to pay to you in rent... My love." Stritch couldn't move at the moment, so he just beat up Cawlin with his eyes. "I love immobile sexys." Cawlin growled, then tackled the defenseless, motionless, crippled sexy Stritch.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10: Something's Buggging Me

After Stritch's full recovery. He spent a lot of his time catching bugs. He caught a plethora of bugs, but none really peaked his volcano. He sighed, approaching his secret base that not even Cawlin knew about. He enetered to find a buggy surprise. Beedle, the airship owner, was playing with one of Stritch's beedles. "What are you..." Stritch was silenced by Beedle's finger. "Let us shed our skin." Beedle stripped into his cockroach form and revealed his thorax. Stritch instantly butt fuckled into his own buggy form and then they had forbidden bug secks. Suddenly Cawlin walked in, "WHAT IS THIS." Cawlin menaced. They both stopped. Stritch was giving Beedle a sidejib. They both looked gawkingly at Cawlin. Cawlin's eyes watered and he unzipped his dick. "Stritch..." Cawlin snoogled Stritch. "Did you..did you do this to fulfill my wild fantasy of being a Beetle Farmer™ in a threesome?" Cawlin cawwed. "..." Stritch was overcome with his beetle erection. "YOU DO CARE." Cawlin began assraping Stritch and Beedle and they bowled into the night. "YEAAAHHHHHH!" Cawlin was being dissected just like his special ed schooling.

Meanwhile Link left Pipit in Gannondorf's care while he went back down to Faron Woods. He met with the KKK old lady. "YOU MUST GET THE THREE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY FOR YOUR SWORD." SHE HOWLED IN HIS EAR BECAUSE SHE'S OLD. Link said nothing and backed away slowly. Link turned around the corner and saw Groose cuddling the nastiest looking armless teeth monster in his life. "THAT'S THE IMPRISONED." The old lady cackled. Groose was petting its head while it silently cried and sucked its toes since it can't suck its thumb since it doesn't have arms. "IT'S JUST NOT THE SAME. IT'S JUST NOT THE SAME AS FLEDGE." Groose cried while pounding the shit out of the poor Imprisoned thingy. Link laughed in his mimey way and went to the Drowning River to find Milotic, the Queen of the Dragons. "Fi, why do you reckon this river is called the Drowning River?" Link asked. "Processing." Fi responded, not before Link was dragged down by an octopus thing. "EW A HUMAN KILL IT." The seahorse/octopus screeeeeeeched. Link was drowning. "Mmmmmfff." He cried to Fi. "Please wait, your call is important to us." She responded with elevator music. Link passed out. And woke up in what appeared to be a Draganair's dungeon. "Hello traveler." She politely responded. "Cut the shit bitch, where's the element of harmony?!" Link threatened the Dragonair with his sword. "AHHHHHHH!" The poor thing fell out of its container and died. "Fudge nuckers!" Link cursed. "Processing completed." Fi responded with taking out a needle and injecting green liquid into Link. "What are you..." Link was starting to feel funny. And his sword got bigger. "Be still. I injected a legal amount of gas into you." Fi said before performing a demonic song and ice skating dance recital. Link passed out.

Meanwhile, Fledge was tasked to keep an eye on Pipit, who was put in a straight jacket and gagged inside his barrel. "Now now Pipit, Gannondorf told me to keep an eye on you, so behave." Fledge tried to be nice as Pipit screeched "FRSSHMFF." "Shhh, I need to do my secret workout routine, Pipit. You'll cheer me on, right best friend?" Fledge pretended he had friends. "FRSSSHMFF MMFF GNNF KFF YOFF" Pipit rabied all over his barrel. "Yea!" Fledge began doing 2 push-ups.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11: Regrets

Link woke up in the woods again... This time at the top of the huge tree. "Wha..?" Link felt woosy, and his hand was numb. Fi popped up. "The experiment was a success." Fi made an odd noise. "HMMMMMMMMMMMM-mmmmmmmmmmmm!" Link had a confused face. "I made a smile. I have the "malformities" so I made the noise of a smiler. You can feel the power in your hand, can't you?" And so Link looked at his hand- and SAW A HIDEOUS TRIANGLE TATTOO WITH BLOOD ALL OVER HIS HAND! Link looked around for a scrub brush or something, and oddly enough he found a tree at the top of the big tree, with a furry brush thing. Link grabbed it and was just about to start scrubbing at that hideous tattoo when. "KEEEK-WWAaao-" the brush thing ran out of breath. It was another Kikwaii! Link was terrified. What should he do?! "Ehh. Oh hello there, travelor!" The mini, yet old, ballsack smoked a cig. Link scrambled into his pouch found his cellphone and dialed for Pipi- Link stopped. Memories cycled through Links mind... Pipit handing Link his first book he had already used since he was an upperclassman... Pipit slapping Link on the back when Link was perfectly fine without a slap... Pipit planting a tac on Legolas's seat, right where his anus would land... Link felt warm. But then he remembered... Pipit was probably already executed, or still in prison. Link did not stay for the sentencing, nor did he know if Pipit would even have a trial. Link felt a deep hole inside him. "Was it my fault?" Link animely shined his eyes at the Kikwaii. "Uh... Follow your heart, child... If someone needs rescuing, you should save them." The Kikwaii climbed back into a tree and smoked a blunt. Link silently thanked the Kikwaii, and jumped down the tree, right into a SkyBird ATM to warp back into the Sky. Link knew he had made a mistake. After seeing he needed Pipit's help and then not having it- Link knew. How could he have turned his back on his upperclassman bud?! He hurried all the way to the academy- it was nighttime now. Link met face to face with Fledge, doing a third push-up. "Ooh... Hi Link... Oh man... Now you know I am trying to workout so I can..." Link interrupted him, pointing to Pipit in the barrel, who had his head poking out so he could see Link. "MMMFUMMMFMMCKKMMMMMYIUMMM" a muffled yelling was heard. Fledge gulped. "Can you give me something...like...a stamina potion?" He twiddled his fingers and twerked slightly. Link looked at Fledge accusingly. "Is it green?" Link asked slowly. Fledge nodded, and without hesitation Link turned around, back facing Fledge, summoned Fi, punched her in the throat, took something, then shoved her back in there. Linked could be heard squirting a syringe out into a bottle. "I have one," link turned back around, holding a green-mixture filled glass. "OH BOY!" Fledge snatched and drank it up. His stomach began to grumble.. "Ugh... What's happen-" Fledge's stomach sounded like an explosion went off, and he instantly fell over, knocked out. Link quickly took his sword and smashed open the barrel Pipit was locked in, and slashed his bindings and suit. "Pipit... I regret helping them capture you... Now..., No time to explain! Come with me!" Link beckoned Pipit. Pipit was stunned- he felt compelled to follow his Freshie friend. Link jumped off with Pipit on his back, and used the Zelda towel to glide safely onto the tree. The Kikwaii woke up and noticed them. "Ahh... I see you have saved your fri-" Pipit grabbed a stick off the ground and swatted that fucking migit trash off that treebranch. He fell all the way to ground. A snapping sound was heard. "Cmon Freshie, let's get him!" Pipit waved to Link to come along and use his towel. Link complied and they dove down to safety. The Kikwaii was howling in pain. "MY FUCKING KNEEEEE!" Pipit laughed. "You don't even have one of those! YOU ARE A WALKING BALLSACK!" Pipit began pummeling the Kikwaii with his stick. Link watched, smiling as usual. Link saw a Troll with a shotgun, quickly finished him off and handed the gun to Pipit. "Thanks freshmen-friend!" Pipit gleamed, firing an execution shot at the final Kikwaii in the forest. Pipit turned to Link. "Hehe, I can't thank you enough Freshie! You really saved my bacon!" Pipit friendlyly handed back the shotgun. "I owe you one... So here, take my upgraded empty wallet- it can hold 1000 rupees." Link smiled and was grateful. He had 500 rupees before, and that was his max. Link was satisfied, and expected Pipit to warp back to SkyIsland or something, but he didn't. Suddenly Fledge called Link! "LINK! YOU WONT BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED!" The voice sounded deeper than Fledge usually sounded... "After I drank the potion, somehow Pipit escaped and Gannon found out, and is offering 500 rupees to anyone who can capture and return Pipit!" Fledge sounded not too upset or scared, surprisingly. Now Link remembered Pipit and his past... But the non-full wallet left a void inside Link. The 500 rupees could fill that void. Link hung up and turned to Pipit, and BLEW A FUCKING HOLE IN HIS LEG. "AHHHHH!" Pipit screeacched, immobilized. Link smiled, and warped them back to SkyIsland to cash in the dough. Gannon found Link and congratulated him. "Here you go, boy!" Gannon jostled Link's hair, and handed him the 500 rupees. "Nice job." Gannon pulled away Pipit. Link saw a huge shadow emerge behind him... He turned around to see a NEW FLEDGE!


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12: A Slice of Life

"Hey Link." A really buff mother fucker who appeared to be Fledge in Groose's body said. "..." Link was so terrified. "Thanks man, you really helped me out." The new Fledge posed and flexed his muscles. "Wanna see me do 1,000 push-ups?" Fledge asked manily. "HOYA." Link responded Japanesely. Fledge motioned for Link to come into Fledge's room, and then he closed the door. And then he locked the door. "Uhm..." Link was slightly startled. Fledge gruffly grabbed Link. "I NEED MOAR LINK. I NEED MOAR GREEN ROOOOOIIIDDDSSSS." Howled Fledge like a Titan. Link screeched but no one heard him. Fledge began tearing away at Link's pockets. "Fledge, I don't have any!" Link tried to reason with him. Fledge couldn't hear him anymore. ALL HE NEEDED WAS THE ROIDS. Fledge searched and searched but found nothing and howled again. "Fledge stop! You're acting like...GROOSE." Link cried. Suddenly Fledge stopped and looked at himself in his mirror. "WHAT. WHAT HAVE I BECOME. WHAT HAVE I DOOOONNNNEEE!" Fledge took out his guitar and started jamming and then smashed that fucking guitar on Link and crashed through the dorm wall. He gorillaed away into the village. LINK's head started bleeding. Fi came out. "I detected his genetalia decreased in size by 90%." "Oh Fi, you shade throwing hipster you." Link gently pat Fi's head. "Come, Link, we must go to find the second Element of Harmony." Fi stated. "You know Fi, you're starting to sound more and more like a human." Link commented. Fi lifted her leg and took a shit in response. Link buffled and then they went to the Lanayru Desert.

They came across a ship with a small robomouse. Link activated the gemstone from Spyro Hero's Tail and out popped the rat in its original laboratory form. "BZZZZZTZZTZT ERROROROROROROR." The thing short circuited and exploded the ship. "FUCK. NOW WE DON'T HAVE A SHIP CAUSE OF THIS FUCKING PIRATE MOUSE." Link cursed. "HAIL THY HOLY LORD." Fi SCREEEECHED. "AHHHH!" Link cried while holding his ears. "AhhHhHhHhhHh!" Fi melodically screamed with her mouth hinged off ripping out Link's eyes. "AHHHHHHH!" Link cried as his eyes bled. Fi restrained herself. "Excuse me...I seem to have...digressions from my servitude with Captain Crunch again...pirate is...a trigger word..." Fi coughed up a Captain Crunch cereal box and floated back into the sword. Link used a heart potion, I mean aderol, and thought of a genius idea. "What if I just swim." Link said aloud. Fi came back out of the sword and stared at him for a brief moment while he stared back at her. Link cringed, waiting for her to start beating him again. "...you're not going to...uh...you know..." Link asked. "No." Fi remained floating. Link carefully went toward the 50 foot radius of water that the white gemstone covered, while still facing Fi. "You're uh...usually you go back into the sword..." Link was suspicious. "That is correct." Fi did not move. "So...I can..uh...swim?" Link asked. "As you wish, Master." Fi went back into the sword. "Phew..." Link took a breather and bent over and was about to dive. Fi instantly in one millisecond blasted through the sword, took out her foot, bent it back 180 degrees and kicked Link in the anus so hard her foot went up to his mouth. The force of the impact sent him torpedoing into the sky. "THAT WAS THE STUPIDEST IDEA YOU EVER HAD. YOU CAN'T SWIM YOU FUCKING IDIOT IT'S SAND. IT'S COVERED IN SAAAAAAAAANNNNDDDD AAUAUHHHHGHH." Fi screeched as Link's anus had pain into the next century blasted into the air.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13: Losses and Gains

Link and Fi journeyed across the vast desert- it was the longest dungeon they had ever faced. Link had wanted to commit suicide a few times, but Fi always gave useful hints to stop him. "We are in the Desert." She would say, then go back into the sword. Link pounded through the dungeon- just to face another vast desert in front of him. "AHHHH!" He howled in anger, but then Fi popped out. "Master, look over there!" Fi pointed to a huge billboard sign not too far in the distance. "It says.. 'Bed n Complimentary Breakfast'..." Fi used her zoom function. Now, Link was not usually down for hotels- but the breakfast would be welcome after this harsh journey. Link made it into the check-in and saw Peatrice. "OOH. HI HONEY!" She stood up, with her erection showing in her pants. Link sighed, and turned to Fi. "She thinks we are meant to be together forever..." Link explained, trying to justify the situation. Fi cracked her head. "My analysis shows you are the perfect match," Fi began. "Zelda has blonde hair, blue eyes, has terrible clothing taste, and is flat chested. This woman before us has the same physical traits." Fi concluded. "WHAT?! NO! THEY are nothing..." Link hesitated, looking at Peatrice. "Okay... Fine, they look similar, but what about the personality?!" Link demanded. Fi calculated. "In the personality field, Peatrice is a better match. Zelda does not want to be within your presence- Peatrice wants to have the intercourse with you at this very moment." Fi analyzed. "WHAT?! Zelda doesn't want to be near me?!" Link began to cry. Fi corrected, "...due to the nigger who has brainwashed her... It is far easier just to mate this one instead of further pursuing Zelda." Link felt renewed. He faced Peatrice. "We would like one room please, and ugh..." Link looked around and noticed the lack of people. "There will be breakfast... Right?" Link gulped. "Yes of course darling. I'd love to cook you in my vagina- I MEAN, yes, the boss guarantees it! I'm actually just a part time clerk." Peatrice went to grab the room key, but couldn't resist the urge to masturbate while in Link's presence. "OOOO. YOU MAKE ME SOOOO HORNY BABYYYY- your room number is 3." She handed him the juice-covered key. Link reluctantly took it. The room only had a bed. That was it. Link was just about to rest when Fi popped out and settled in "Goodnight. Zzzzzzzz" Fi snoozled into the bed. Link did not have time for silly games, so he just used his claw shots to pull that fucker out and used "sleep until day." Link woke feeling rested and Hungrey. Unfortunately, it wasn't a well rested sleep that woke him up.

Link heard the maid, howling in Mexican. "POOR IZ MEEEEEEE!" She could be heard scrubbing the toilet next door. Link ran to the lobby like an adventurer- and sat down. Peatrice appeared. "Hey Hun. Close your eyes!" She warmly, yet professionally stated. Link closed them, fork and knife in hand waiting for the food. "Here's your complimentary breakfast!" She slam dunked Link's head into a bowl of cereal like LABORN JAYMES! Link doozied out of it and looked in dismay. "This is barely half a bowl of cereal.. And no milk?!" Link upsetted. "Sorry, Captain's orders-" she handed him the pocket sized Captain Crunch cereal box the cereal had come from and walked out of the inn. "My shift is up, bye! Catch me at the Bazaar!" Link was heart broken... No breakfast... He turned to Fi- but then remembered he left Fi upstairs- BUT SHE WAS GONE! Link ran outside - after finishing his Captain Crunch- BECAUSE IT COST 50 RUPEES FOR THAT BED AND BREAKFAST! - and found Fi, dressed in a sailors uniform scrubbing a deck of the outside parked ship! Behind her was a big burly skeletol pirate. Link readied his Sword. "WHO ARE YOU?!" Link hiyaaa'd. "THEY CALL ME CAPTAIN CRUNCH! Did you enjoy your complimentary breakfast?! AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" He cackled like a business man. "FUCK YOU!" Link heaved a bomb at the Captain. "SHIVER ME FUCK-" he blew to bits- crunchy bits. Fi and him laughed, eating his delicious remains. "Master... Thank you for saving me..." Fi blushed. Link smiled and fed her Captain DeadCrunch. They ate and ate, then from eating his remains they both glowed blue and suddenly Link's tattoo got a new triangle. Link and Fi called it a day, and headed back up to SkyIsland. Link crash landed on an island with one Clown on it. "HEYHEYHEY! ITS YOUR LUCKY DAAAYDAYDAYYY!" The clown kawaii slimed Link. "GET IN MY CANNON!" Link was forced into a Cannon and blasted upward. "YOU WANT TO PLAY?!" The clown chuckled. Link fell down onto the wheel- a green spot. "OHHH. YEAH!" The Clown cheered. "Man... That's good stuff! How much rupees you got?!" Clown boy cheered. Fi popped out. "950" she stated Link's count. The Clown laughed even louder. "PERFECT! GREEN MEANS GO- GREEN MEANS GO... INTO DEBT!" The clown pulled out a vacuum cleaner and sucked all of Link's rupees up. "BETTER LUCK... NEVER?! IM CLOSING MY BUSINESS LOL!" He cowboied. He fired his cannon at Link, blasting him extremely fast, headed to the Bazaar!

Just before, Fledge was going through withdrawal. Fledge had smashed through

Bertie's house and stole the baby. He later called Bertie. "IF YOU EVER WANT TO SEE YOUR KID AGAIN COOK ME SOME ENHANCED OMEGA STAMINA POTION FREE OF CHARGE!" Fledge screeeeeeeeched like a big gorilla into the phone and hung up. Bertie was worried- if his wife found out the baby was gone- he would get a whipping... But then again, maybe he could use a little sexual arrow in his old age... Bertie met with Fledge in the corner of the Bazaar and held out an enhanced potion. "I-I-have it... Please let me have my baby now." Bertie warbled in fear. "HAND IT OVER FIRST AND AFTER I DRINK IT WITHOUT SIDE EFFECTS THE BABY WILL BE HANDED OVER!" Fledge commanded. Bertie gulped, and stealthily switched out the poison potion he had prepared with a real one- he had anticipated Fledge being clever, and now he knew he couldn't risk poisoning Fledge. He had to comply. Fledge snatched it and drank it up. "OOH YES. YES I FEEL THE POWER... I FEEL THE RAGEEEEEEEE!" Fledge roared and suddenly, his balls and penis caved in. "AHHHHHHH!" Fledge howled. "YOU DIRTY MOTHERFUCKER!" Fledge full force threw the baby into the ground, decapitating it. "RAAAA!" Fledge ape handed himself, then blasted out the door off into the open. Bertie was paralyzed- his son was dead... His SON WAS DEAD!" Bertie smiled. "I'm free... IM-" suddenly Link blasted through the Bazaar and his Sword impaled Bertie, slicing his upper body from his lower, killing him instantly.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14: Realization

"Oh shit." Link realized what just happened. He looked around at the chaos around him as time slowed down. What had become of this world? Peatrice was caught prostituting, Fledge was a gorilla, Pipit was a serial killer, Karane was a vegetable, and a multitude of the town was dead. Link signed, grew a beard, and slowly drifted toward the desert where the last flame was. "Sigh." Link sighed, taking a drink of whiskey. He let the mogmas die. He just wasn't feeling it today. Fi came out of her sword as Link sat on the side of the road. Fi stared at Link with her cold eyes, then as he was taking a sip, hit him so hard on the back the bottle went into his esophagus. Link began choking as Fi continued beating on his back. "There there." Fi attempted to comfort him as the bottle was shoved more and more down his throat. Link began hacking. "It isn't all bad. In fact, there is a 0.001% chance you will save Zelda." Fi tried to be positive. Link was still coughing and dying and could no longer breathe. "I know you are overcome with sadness, but do not worry, AI am here." Fi tried to make a funny. Link was seizuring out on the ground. Then his gag reflex kicked in and he barfed up the bottle. Link was pretty pist. "FI..." Link angered, but not before he stopped his own train tracks because he saw...Lord Ghirahim also looking pretty down in the dumps. Link walked over to him. "Whazz yur prolem." Link drunkily puked up whatever his gag reflex triggered all over Ghirahim. "EEEEEWWWWWWW." Ghirahim bitched, but then he got over it and sighed sadly. "Well you see hero...I have just happened upon a discovery." "Wha." Link droodled. "I...I think I might be...dare I say it..." Ghirahim braced zirzself. "GAY." Ghirahim exploited. Link stopped for a moment, then howled like a Mexican on Christmas and smashed the beer bottle on Ghirahim's head. "THAT'S FUCKIN HILARIOUS WE CANT BE CHRISTIAN IN A. GAY GAYM..." Link lost his train and collapsed. "I...I haven't told my master yet." Ghirahim ignored the beer bottle and continued ranting. "Well, it looks like we both fucked up eh?" Asked Ghirahim to the DeadLink. "Say...hero...do you wanna...you know..." Ghirahim took out his tongue and gently scooped up the beer bottle pieces which sliced his tongue and gave him diseases. "Go to the mall?" Ghirahim asked. Link was knocked out so he didn't answer. "OMG GREAT BFFS 4LYFE." Ghirahim cried for hap. They went to the mall and did cute things that BFFS do like hold your head over the toilet seat while you have to puke, take naked selfies, and get ratchet tattoos.

Link woke up with a tri-triangle tattoo on his hand, a beer in his pocket, and a crazy KKK lady all up in his shit.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15: Groose Greases His Monkey

Link smelled Raspberry... Raspberry Jam to be exact! Link turned his head, gasping for the sweet nectar that was the smell. Link ignored the KKK lady, who was babbling about using the Time Gate to assassinate MLK as a boy or something, and continued to float towards the delectable smell. Link floated blissfully- then SUDDENLY CRASHED DOWN ON THE IMPRISONED- BUT IT HAD ARMS! Link shot up, eyes closed, and slashed wildly. "TOY-AAAAAAAA!" He yelped and yippered. The monster didn't even respond. Actually, it ignored Link entirely! "What?!" Link was astonished. Fi appeared. "I detect new surroundings..." Fi looked around. "Yeah.. I noticed." Link looked at the newly installed Railroad Crack system... And there was a slingshot cannon of some sort at the top, but being at the bottom Link couldn't see. Link heard what sounded like scrubbing... Then a pump... THE MONSTER ROARED! "OOOHHHH YEAHHHHHHHHHHH!" Link was amazed. It was orgasming in ENGLISH! Link ran to get to the front of the monster- and saw Groose- a grease covered rag in one hand, and a grease pump in the other. "Oh hey Link!" Groose chuckled. "Just greasing my monkey!" Groose got up, taking off his Railroad Captain hat and releasing the Pump from the Imprisoned's... genitalia? Link was wildly confused. Groose noticed Link's face and laughed. "Ah... Yep. See that up there?" Groose pointed to the railroad tracks and the slingshot. "Built it myself, and boy, it took a while, but it was worth it, because after bombing Monkey here. I helped him evolve and grow body parts! He can fly, he can swim, he has arms.. HELL, I EVEN HELPED HIM EVOLVE A PEN-" suddenly a huge pile of rocks slammed into Link. Link got up, but found it wasn't rocks- IT WAS A HUGE BALLSACK! Groose giggled in joy. "OH BOY! NOW WE CAN GIVE MONKEY HERE AN ARTIFICIAL BALLSACK!" Groose giddied, pulling out his cell phone. He dialed swiftly "Hello? Yes, Headmaster Gannondwarf? I am just calling to ask for an upper classman to help me put down a..." Groose pulled out his handbook and flipped pages, before continuing. "I can't read, but I feel like a upper classman is needed." Groose stroked his pompadour. "Yes headmaster, he will do." And with that, a barrel was sent down to the ground. Just as Groose unlocked the barrel, Link finally managed to roll that big Kikwaii off him, just in time to turn around to get PUNCHED OUT BY PIPIT!

In the not-too distant past, Fledge was on the run. "I NEED MORE." Fledge was a fugitive now, though not well known. He flew onto a Pumpkin-Covered Island, where he went inside the bar to get a drink. "One beer please" Fledge sat down. "Coming right up!" Kina smiled, set up a glass for Fledge, and was just about to pour it when Pumm stopped her. "Show your ID" Pumm narrow-eyed Fledge up. Fledge didn't sweat it. "Oh I think I left it in my car!" Fledge let out a slightly nervous laugh. He turned around, in the center of the room, just under the chandelier. Then he turned around 180 again, facing Pumm. "Oh actually, I think I dropped it over the counter!" Fledge pointed at Pumm. When Pumm just barely moved his head downward to look- Fledge used his super reflexes and new found body to jump, rip down the chandelier, and THROW IT WITH ALL HIS MIGHT AT Pumm! The sharp points impaled Pumm. He collapsed, bleeding everywhere as Fledge fled the scene. Kina ran after him. "STOP!" She cried out. Fledge turned. He couldn't leave a helpless young lady calling to stop! Kina rolled her amplifier with her. "Ahem.." She pulled out a microphone and SCREAMMMMED LIKE A LITTLE BOY GETTING BUGS BUNNY TO PRACTICE SOCCOR! Fledge howled, and lost balance trying to cover his ears. "AHHHH!" Fledge howled back, ears bleeding, and fell off the platform. A knight swooped him up- by impaling his chest with a huge pole arm. Fledge squirmed, then he stopped. It was over. The guards had caught him. They were taking him back to the academy- WHEN GREEN FLAMES BURST DOWN THE BIRD! Fledge gasped, and the last thing he saw was a black flying thing swoop and cover his head with a bag, before knocking him unconscious and carrying him away.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16: Endless Plunge

Suddenly a tornado appeared out of nowhere and dropped...someone out of the sky? Link squinted his eyes and saw...ZELDA?! "AHHHHHHH!" Zelda screamed, but then Groose caught her. "Oh my hero..." Zelda blushed kawaiily. Then Link walked up to her. "Ugh, what do you want fa..." Link scooped up Zelda and chucked that bitch right into the Imprisoned (Monkey's) mouth. Monkey began chewing. Groose and Fi put their hands on Link's shoulders. "I'm so proud of you." They both chimed. Link smiled, "me too." Monkey burped after eating Zelda, but then his whole body shook. A marvelous transformation was occurring. Suddenly Ghirahim diamonded and sparklefucked in and was completed black in white tattoos. "LINK. WHAT THE HELL DID WE DO LAST NIGHT..." He was lost in thought at seeing "Monkey" transform into...ZELDA'S DAD?! "GANNONDORF?!" Everyone gasped in disbechristianity. "Uh..." He was naked scrubbing his back in what he appeared to be taking a shower. "MASTER?!" Ghirahim ran over to him, but was beat down by Groose. "FUCK YOU." Groose gruesomely booted his waffle iron. He took Link's sword and was about to slice Ghirahim into Easter Sunday when...a bag was dropped down by a black thing and Groose caught it. It was struggling to break free! Groose tried to hold it down by grabbing...what he thought were boobs? But then it burst free and grabbed his face. "AHHHHHH!" It screamed and began dismantling Groose's face. But Groose overcame it and blasted the thing five inches away. Groose huffed and puffed and noticed the thing was what appeared to be a very crazy Fledge. "F...Fledge?" Groose stopped. "G...Groose?" Fledge also stopped his roid rage. "Fledge..." "Groose..." They both walked toward each other and began a meaty manlover make out. Everyone's jaws dropped, all except Ganondorf who was silently jacking it in a flower bush that sprouted a heart when he was finished. "Groose baby, I've missed you all these years." Fledge blushied. "I...I felt a large hole in my heart that I couldn't fill by beating Monkey, it was the absence of beating your tenderloins." Groose blushied too. "Groose...let's get married in Fiji on one day like I always dreamed." Fledge swooned. "What? Why waste money on one day when we COULD GO GO DISNEYLAND FOR A WHOLE WEEK." Groose yelled. "Ok! We'll invite the whole village! And if they don't come I'll fucking murder their facebooks!" Fledge gruffed. Fledge picked up his now much smaller than hisself man, and together they gorillaed off into the sunset. Link was at a loss for words. "Omg I like, love weddings. I'm gonna wear my cutest outfit." Ghirahim kawaiied. "Well, let's go..." Link started off. "Uh guys...what about me? Lord of Darkness? demise?...ah man." Zelda's Dad was left alone and naked...but still invited to the wedding.

One day later the whole village was in Disneyland! AND IT WAS AN 18+ SWEET ORGY PARTYYYYY! THE WHOLE VILLAGE WAS GETTING IN ON SOME HAWT OTHERKIN ACTION, EVEN THAT VEGETABLE KARANE WAS GETTING A LICKING OR TWO. THAT FAGGOT THAT LOOKS LIKE A FAT MARIO WITH THE ORB GAVE THE JEW GOLD DIGGER SKINNY SELLER MAN WITH NO EYES THE WANKING OF HIS LIFE. Anyway, so then Groose and Fledge were going to get married all cute and stuff. Ghirahim made waffles. It was his specialty. Impa even gave him the Queen of Sexies Crown just for the occasion. In the dark abyss that was her vagina, she had some sort of a heart. "Plushies of the groom and groom on sale for 7908 rupees!" The jewkeeper screeched. The old KKK lady was the reverend. "Does anyone have any objections to this holy matrimony between these two...bullies." the KKK lady asked. Then they were about to kiss when Zelda's dad emerged. "STOP!" Ganondorf screeched.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17: The End

Everyone turned, gasping. Gannon smiled and suddenly jumped up, revealing NEEDLES... Filled with a purple liquid! He chucked them into Fledge's arm and ran to inject them in. "FUGITIVES MUST BE PUNISHED!" Gannon barely dodged Groose and slammed the pressure sensitive Syringes into Fledge, causing the chain reaction. Fledge malformed and squelched. "nooo!" Fledge melted into his former self. Groose stared down Gannon. "YOU THINK YOU CAN STOP TRUE LOVE?! I LOVE HIM JUST THE WAY HE IS! BULLY OR NOT!" Groose howled, crying in upset. Zelda jumped into the scene. "HEH GUYS I MADE THE SKYLOAF!" But then Zelda saw the scene. HER DADDY HAD RUINED EVERYTHING! "I HATE... YOU...GANNONDWARD ALEXANDER DEMISE!" Zelda yelled out her Father's full name! Everyone was shocked, even Pipit, who was just about to fire his shotgun into the back of a distracted Link's head. "HOW DARE YOU REFER TO ME BY ALL THE TIME PERIODS I HAVE LIVED IN!" Suddenly flashbacks occurred. He was King Arthur during the Saxons, and was singlehandedly responsible for the massacre of the majority of humans during his rule as Demise! Then it showed Gannondward havin rough sex with...Suddenly the flashback was interrupted as a green flame burst through the church doors, and Fledge gasped, in Groose's arms. "I... I... I've seen that flame before..." Fledge managed to cough before Groose deeply penetrated his esophagus with his tongue. The blast incinerated Cawlin. The door broke down revealing... "NO!" Gannon shouted trying to block Zelda. Zelda's eyes shook off Gannon. A black dragon was standing in the doorway. "MWAHAHAHHA! While you were all distracted in Disneyworld, we, the Skylanders, took over SkyIsland! HAHAHAH-" suddenly the black dragon stopped. "Z-Zelda- is that you?!" The black dragon sniffed. Gannon stood in front of Zelda, blocking her. "No... That's just my perfume!" Gannon tried to cover up Zelda, but Zelda just pushed him down face first. "How do you know my-" Zelda began approaching and then suddenly she was hit with a flashbang! "M-MOM?!" Zelda cried out. "OH GREAT, NOW YOUVE DONE IT, CINDER ADRIANA McKENZII!" Gannon grew hot and angry as he yelled. Gannon's rage grew... His secret was out... The rage of his secret dragon fetish being exposed to the public made him furious... so furious that he transformed back into his Demise form! "DAMN YOU ALL! THIS IS ALL OF YOUR FAULT!" Demise pointed his Sword at Link. Link was confused. "Wha-" Link was interrupted. "THIS NEVER WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU NEVER KILLED MY WAR GENERAL!" Demise roared. Link suddenly had a flashback- or rather had his past projected, because Fi turned into a projector and displayed a memory. Everyone watched : Link had used his Spin Attack to slice up Legolas! Fi turned it off and reverted to normal. "My analysis determines this is the only man you killed... So it could only be him." Fi concluded. "VERY GOOD, AI." Demise laughed demonically. Cinder roared. "STOP BEING ASHAMED! YOU RACIST SON OF A-" suddenly a sword impaled Cinder- IT WAS Fi! "D-damn..." Cinder collapsed. "GWAHAHAHHAHAHA!" Demised cackled at the Fi-impaled Cinder. "EXCELLENT JOB AI, I KNEW YOU WERE WORTH THE JAVA LESSONS!" Cinder coughed up blood everywhere. "D-damn yo-" Zelda rushed over to the dying Cinder. "Mom- MOM!, she cried all over Cinder's body. Pipit walked over slowly, put his hand on Zelda... and pushed her out of the way, then finished off Cinder with his shotgun. "MOOOOMMMMM!" Zelda kawaii-aznly cried out in angst. "Zelda yoinked Link's Sacred Shield from his back and began strangling Pipit. "HOW DOES IT FEEL HAVING SOMEONE ELSE PUT YOU DOWN?! HOW DOES IT FEE-" Suddenly, a sword impaled Zelda. It was Fi again! "I am sorry. You were too infected by that nigger... There is no saving you now." Fi finished her off by slicing off her head. Link just sat in the back, in complete dismay... BECAUSE GROOSE WAS HAVING FULL BLOWN NUDE SEX WITH FLEDGE AND NOOOO ONE ELSE WAS PAYING ATTENTION! Link was filming it, he could make SOOO much rupees with this hot action! $_$ Link thought, while the tragedy of Zelda and her Mom was happening. Pipit got up, choking. "Ugh man, I'm out of here!" Pipit opened the door- but Demise pinned him down to the ground using magic! "Stay put you in-obedient disgrace of a student!" Demise quietly stated. He turned to Link and SMASHED HIS CAMERA. He picked him up and SLAMMED him on the wall. "LISTEN HERE, MY BOY, EVER SINCE MY GENERAL WAS KILLED BY YOU, IVE HAD NO REAL STRATEGY IN FIGHTING THE SKYLANDERS!" Demise continued rambling on about his plans and how Link has foiled them. But Link was not paying attention. Instead, he was heartbroken, staring at the broken camera on the ground- but then he saw the film was okay, and he relaxed, letting out a sigh. "HOW DARE YOU SIGH AT MY PLANS!" Demise snapped Links knees backwards, crippling him and leaving him against the wall. Demise was suddenly grabbed by a yellow spark- 'a fairy?' Link thought, but then saw it was a dragonfly! "YOU MOTHERFUCKER YOU KILLED SPYROOOO!" The dragonfly smashed Demise into the ground, dragging him in the dirt outside. He then let out a dragon fly blast out of his mouth, anialating Demise and leaving a hole in the ground. "I...I've avenged you-" Sparks began to relax... WHEN A BUG NET SURROUNDED HIM. "OH MY GOSSSSSHHHH!" A squirky voice, BEETLE fapped a little.. Stritch smiled. "Oh... You want to share this one?!" Beedle nodded and they took turns shoving dicks into the dragonfly, until he turned blue-green-and finally died again- permanently this time, for the only way to kill a dragonfly is to kill it with liquid buglover fuel. Groose slowly churned Fledge, producing the milk that they needed in the beginning- the milk was the fortune teller huge-eyed bastard's power source. Link, broken down and defeated, crawled to try to get the tape- which was in tact, but his leg state made his movements slow. Suddenly a man with a wheel on his back burst in. "OH HEY HEY HEY! ITS MY LUCKY DAY DAY DAY!" The clown man cackled maniacally and scooped up the tape. "Ooh... What's this?!" Link squirmed and reached out in desperation. "You want this?" Link nodded. "Oh..okay." The clown extended it out to Link, then used his magic at the last moment to warp him into the sky. "ONLY IF YOU WIN THIS GAME!" The clown laughed. "Try to land in the green!" Link saw the ground- it was all green- with strange little- Link noticed the ground was covered in something. Link screamed all the way to the bottom uncontrollably, all the way into the green-spike covered land. Links fast falling speed combined with the unavoidable sharp spikes led to an unavoidable fate. Link was impaled by the many spikes all over his body. "AHHHH!" Link bled out everywhere. "No-" the Clown scooped up the blood Link was loosing, "hey hey, why so sad? You got Green- GO IN DEBT- WITH THE SPIKES IS TIMES TWOOO! HAHAHAHAH. And since you have no money, I'll just sell your blood and this here video!" The clown let out his final devilish noises that were the last things Link ever heard. And so, Fledge, Pipit, Groose, Beedle, Strich, Lady Booboo- xir's new name after Demise's demise, Nigger Thief, and the unimportant NPCs lived happily after. The End.


	18. Bonus Content

Chapter A: A Mumble Sidequest

Shortly before this turn of events was an ever born shade of hue- Karane's daily grind- occurring just after Pipit ditched class, but just before Link encountered the nigger thief. She was ever dreaming- of HIM. One small afternoon she smelled the sweet sensation of fresh butter being churned- except it wasn't butter being churned- it was Groose's Bird having sex with Link's bird! "Oooh!" Yelled Karane, snapping a few pics. "Your lives are over you bastards!" She shrieked, turning around, bumping into Fledge. "Ooh. Hi Fledge. What are you doing here?" She mumbled, barely able to speak. Fledge sighed, then spoke. "Karane... I know you are afraid of me. And I am sorry. If there is anyway I can prove to you I am-" and at that moment, Groose burst into Zelda's room, yes Zelda's room, that those two had for some reason broken into and claimed as theirs. "I AM THE PROTECTOR OF ZELDA's GOODS- and-" Groose saw it was just Fledge and Karane. "Oh." Then he saw his bird giving Link's a hambone deep into the throat. "EEEK!' Groose shoo'd the birds away. "You two didn't see that okay?!" Groose freaked. Karane processed the photos and forced them into Fledge's hands, then proceeded to leave, slam the door shut and break off the handle. "YOU TOOK PICTURES MR. GARDNER?!" Yelled Groose. "I don't approve of Gardners snooping at my pets!" Groose tackled Fledge and started petting his face. "Someone needs to clean up that makeup!" Groose got water on washcloth and started scrubbing away the two pink dipoles on Fledge's face. "NO! Groose STOP! You don't understand! Those are regulators!" Fledge shrieked. But Groose just got an erection and then put the washcloth around his dick and continued scrubbing with greater force, using his dick. Finally it came off. Fledge passed out. "Hehe. Well I'm done!" Groose got up, and turned to the door when A HUGE FUCKING GREEN BLOB ENGULFED GROOSE! "I WILL DEVOUR YOU ALL!" The hideous screeching monster howled. Groose broke free, and faced the attacker. To his horror, he saw a giant slimey buff version of Fledge! Karane ran back into the room, took a picture, then ran away- but Fledge whip-grabbed that little cunt with his slimey fingers. "You LITTLE FUCK BITCH ASS SHIT! THIS IS YOUR FAULT!" Fledge opened his gooey mouth and bit off Karane's left ear, then spit it out. "AHHHHHHH!" Karane let out a final orgasm. "Man. My dowsing hypnosis masturbation are intense, Mr. Gannondorf." Karane concluded. "Oh, I know dear! That was fabulous!" Gannon finished his session with Karane. "Are you confused? You should be! Ahahaha" Gannon chuckled, signifying this chapter had no meaning and was just a fillar to eat.


End file.
